Did I Fall?

chapter 1

Groggily coming to my senses, I slowly began to realise what must have happened.

I found myself lying on the bathroom floor, the blood running down my chin causing a coppery taste in my mouth.

Even without attempting to move, I could tell that this had obviously been a bad one. My whole body ached, I could only see out of one eye, and I was lying in a puddle of my own urine. I really didn't feel up to moving for the rest of the day, but I realised that lying here in such an awkward position wouldn't help in my quest for the sleep my body so urgently requested. What?? Rephrase!

I had no idea how long I'd been lying there. Obviously, it had been quite a while. Long enough for my right eye to swell to what felt like the size of a giant pumpkin.

My last recollection was of lumbering into the bathroom to perform my morning ablutions. Now that I was working on the late shift, I didn't have to get up too early. My morning alarm always went off at 9:00 am, so it must've been no later than 9:05 when I groggily found my way along the corridor and into the bathroom.

Between that moment and waking up minutes ago, my mind was blank. Not just blank, it was more like no time had passed at all. In my memory, I had walked through the doorway one second and woken on the floor less than a second later. I wondered how long it had actually been...

"Just five minutes," I thought. "I need to get back to bed, but not just yet. Far too much pain. I'll give it five minutes"

Three-quarters of an hour later I finally tried to make a move. Attempting to force myself to sit upright, I experienced a sharp pain in my head and felt extremely dizzy. With a low groan, I gave up, curled up in the slowly-drying puddle of my own piss, and went back to sleep.

The next time I awoke/woke/woke up, my tired, frazzled brain attempted, in vain, to make sense of the situation. I was pretty certain that I'd just woken up. But this was definitely not my nice soft cosy bed beneath me. It felt like the floor. More worryingly, I could feel the hardness of the floor on my torso and arms, but I couldn't feel my lower legs or feet. With the strange thought running through my head that somebody had sneaked into my apartment and somehow managed to steal my legs, I attempted to move my legs. Success! I felt my toes wiggle.

--- rewrite the whole description of Jeff's position in the bathroom and his legs ----

There was still something not quite right, though. I was pretty much certain now that, instead of being in bed, I was lying on a floor. But if that was the case, my feet should be at the opposite end of my body from my overactive brain. Instead, the wiggling toes seemed to be in front of me, to the left and raised above me. (Lying down on his back on the floor with feet draped over the edge of the bath) Which made no sense. I tried again to open my eyes.

It was no good. It took too much effort. And at the moment, my muscles ached so much that it felt like I'd completed three marathons and swum the English Channel in the last half hour. 

I shut my one good eye and slipped back into the comfort of sleep. 

"Jeff? Jeff? Can you hear me, love? Are you back with us?"

I immediately recognised Sarah's voice and wondered why she was home from work so soon. 

"Euggh.." was the first thing I could manage.

"Oh, hi darling. Welcome back. It's okay, I'm here now."

"They stole my legs. But I can wiggle them still."

"Your legs are still here," she laughed. "A bit bruised and battered, but still firmly attached."

"Why did they take my legs?"

Following this short yet strange exchange, I slipped back into the comfortable darkness.

Suddenly through the dark fog that surrounded my conscious(?) thoughts came Sarah's voice. "Hey, mister, don't you be going back to sleep on me."

"Come to bed," I mumbled back.

"I would, but you're not in bed, love" she answered in her soft, gentle voice. "You've had another seizure. Do you remember? You're on the bathroom floor."

It took several seconds for what she'd said to sink in and make sense. I guess that would explain all these aches and pains I suddenly had. I had no recollection of anything happening, of course,

Groaning with disappointment as well as with pain, I attempted again to see what was going on.

With Sarah using a damp flannel to clean away the blood from my chin and mop my brow, I finally managed to get my one good eye open.

The sudden light flooding in gave me a headache(?). I immediately closed my eye again. Luckily my right hand was near my face. Achingly I reached up and guided Sarah's flannel over my eye and held it there. With the soft cloth safeguarding me, I reopened that good eye, the brightness diffused. Allowing my sight to become accustomed to the light I gradually removed the cloth from my field of vision. Shapes slowly swam into focus, the largest being Sarah's concerned face, hovering over mine.

"There you are. Finally decided to join us, eh? You sure know how to scare me. I've been worried sick all the way home."

"How...why..."

"Don't you worry about that just now. I'll fill in the gaps later on. Let's just see if there's any damage and if we can get you out of here and a bit more comfortable."

"Five minutes. Give me five more minutes."

"I'm sorry love, but we need to do this as soon as possible." She was always practical and matter-of-fact at times like this when I needed her most. "You've been laid here a hell of a long time by the looks of things. But I can't see the extent of your injuries until you at least try to move. Plus you managed to find the most impractical place to start thrashing about. I'm guessing by the fact that you're coming round a bit and not screaming for an ambulance that you've somehow miraculously avoided breaking any bones. But we need to check everything before getting you up and about. You understand? But don't nod or shake your head, though. Just talk to me."

With the gradual realisation of what she meant, I laid still and simply said "Unnerstand. Shtill a bit groggy, but gotcha."

Concentrating on my neck at first, Sarah's experience as a care nurse showed through as she slowly checked for broken bones and other signs of major injury.

When she asked me to wiggle my "kidnapped" toes, I remembered my strange thoughts of missing limbs. Looking at my legs I realised where my half-awake brain had confused me. Although I was laid horizontally on the floor on my left side, I was twisted at the hips with my legs up against the bathtub. My lower legs and feet were unsupported, dangling over the edge in mid-air. I guess my half-awake brain had assumed that the lack of any pressure on them from the floorboards and, I'm guessing, a reduced blood flow, meant that the legs weren't there. On further checks from my awkward vantage point, it seemed that maybe my legs had been replaced while I was asleep. These were in the right place, but they were bruised and battered and covered in small cuts, the reason for which I couldn't yet fathom.

Sarah announced that she couldn't see anything too serious at the moment and she was happy for me to move my head, and to try to roll onto my other side. 

Things were slowly starting to make sense to me again, I was starting to come round a bit, and I was more than eager to get out of that bathroom. But I'd obviously landed on my left side and following the seizure, I'd stayed in that position. I could tell that I'd at least strained the muscles in my back, if not worse, but I realised that there was a greater chance of there being an injury to the left side of my body.

With a grimace, I looked up at her. "This is gonna be painful, isn't it?" It wasn't a question. 

"I'm afraid so, love. And the fact that you've been laid like this for..." She glanced at her watch. "Probably four hours now. That's not going to help the pain."

"Four hours?" I replied. "Fuck. Okay, let's get this over with. Can I have that flannel again?"

Realising from experience what I meant, she rolled the flannel up and placed it near my mouth, ready for me to bite into to stifle the cries of pain.

"Thanks. You sure I have to move? You can't just check me from here?" Sarah just gave me one of her looks. The type that said, 'I'm not a girlfriend at the moment, I'm a nurse. Do as you're told.'

Looking at the way my body was twisted to the right and against the bath, I said, "Probably easiest to just slide my legs off the bath so that I'm laid out flat and then roll over."

"No way mister," she immediately replied. "Don't you dare move those legs yet. There's still loads of glass in them. You're just going to have to shuffle round a bit so I can check you out."

"Glass?? What do you mean glass?"

"Oh god. Sorry. I forgot. I assumed you realised what had happened. From the looks of things, it looks like you've kicked the bathroom cabinet off the wall during your seizure. The mirror's smashed and cut your legs quite badly. I managed to get the bigger pieces out while you had that ten-minute doze. Frankly, I'm surprised that didn't wake you. But there are still lots of small pieces of mirror in your legs. Once I'm satisfied that the rest of you's okay I'll get them out. So, are you ready to shuffle onto your right side?"

“Well, there's good news and bad news. You've got bruises and strained muscles all down your left side. Your legs and face are, frankly, a mess. On the plus side, there's no broken bones. But I'm afraid it's gonna be a while before you're my gorgeous, good-looking man again.” 

I laughed weakly. It was difficult. I think a couple of teeth were loose. And the whole of the side of my face was tingling. Something was definitely not right there. 

After Sarah removed the shards of mirror from my lower legs and bandaged them, we managed to stand up and slowly made our way downstairs.

Chapter 2

Sarah decided that, despite her medical knowledge, it was best to get me checked by some other medical professionals. Just to be certain. I was in so much pain ,though that a journey to the local hospital was out of the question.

She decided to ask Dr West if he'd mind popping over to see me. We were extremely lucky, really - as well as being our GP, Dr West was the county's leading epilepsy specialist consultant. He'd helped me right from first being diagnosed over twenty-five years ago, right up to the present. 

On hearing a quick description of the accident and the extent of my injuries, he said he'd be right over. The fact that he was so eager to get here worried me slightly. 

Less than twenty minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Sarah rushed to let him in.

"Thanks for coming, doctor. Normally, once he's recovered, I just pick him up from wherever he's gone down, and he sleeps for the rest of the day. But with the seriousness of this one and the injuries he's got, I thought it was best to get another opinion this time. Plus, you know how stubborn he is - he'll always insist that he's fine"

"I AM still here, you know," I replied, groggily.

"Sorry, love."

"Okay, Jeff, well let's have a look at you, eh?" The serious look on Dr West's face was worrying.

"Is this more serious than we think, doc? I mean, we both appreciate you coming over to see me, but you must've run every red light on the way to get here so quickly. What's the urgency?"

"I know you always want me to be direct and honest with you, so yes, it could be extremely serious. Having a seizure in a confined space like a bathroom is dangerous enough, as you know. But from what Sarah's told me, you were in a lot of danger. You're lucky she came home and found you. In fact, you're lucky to have her."

Now, I may have been pretty much exhausted; I may have taken numerous knocks to the head earlier that day, but I *definitely* saw a glimmer of despair as he looked at Sarah.

I tried to turn to see if she was returning his glances but it was impossible to turn my neck without shooting pains in my head. Sod it - this'll have to wait till later. But I was determined to get to the bottom of that look he gave her.

Noticing my sudden grimace of pain, West quickly became professional and down-to-business again. "Don't move. Where's the pain?" and began to examine the bruises on my side.

"It's too late to tell me not to move now, isn't it?" I answered abruptly. "We've managed to get all the way downstairs haven't we? And the pain was in my neck when I tried to turn it."

-----continue------

As I began to lapse into another period of light and restless sleep, I heard Dr West ask to speak to Sarah in the kitchen. They obviously thought I was already sleeping, as they had left the door slightly ajar. I strained to hear what was being said, occasionally missing parts when they lowered their voices even further.

"...sure you won't even think.... it? I mean, this can't be any kind of life for you, constantly having......him and being...... Surely you realise....me....?"

Sarah must've been nearer to the door, as I could hear her words much clearer.

"Sorry but I love him, and nothing can change that. I don't care if I have to give up work and be with him 24/7. I'd do anything for him. Anything. I told you last time that I'm not interested. No means no. If you don't stop this I'll be forced to change doctors and to report you to the ... the... to your superiors. I don't want to do that though. You've been good to us, and to Jeff and his family for even longer. But believe me - if you don't stop this ridiculous behaviour I WILL do what I have to do."

"But look... him. This is no kind of ...... either of you."

"That's down to you though, isn't it? If you had any morals you'd change his meds so he's having fewer seizures. Just because I won't leave him for you is no reason to cause him more pain and injury."

"Now, watch what you're saying. I'd never let my personal feelings affect my medical judgement. We can't change his meds. And we can't increase these ones. And I'd NEVER cause ANYbody pain."

"Okay. That's enough. Go."

"But..."

"Just go. I need to look after my boyfriend. Who I'd *never*.... for anybody."

With my faith in Sarah renewed - why did I ever doubt her for even a second? - and my worries about Dr West confirmed, I laid back and closed my eyes, just as they returned to the room.

Heading towards the front door, I could hear Dr West - back to his public persona again - advising Sarah how often to change the dressings on my legs and to keep an eye on the facial swelling. He even had the nerve to say that if she had any worries about me to come and see him. 

I heard the door close, and, with a hundred questions spinning in my already painful head, I called Sarah over to me.

Chapter 3

"What is it, hun? What can I get you?"

"Well, I wouldn't complain if a glass of water was sat here. Preferably with one of those extra-long straws. And a new body if you've got one lying around?"

Laughing, Sarah turned to go to the kitchen.

"But before you go, and before I fall asleep again, can we have a little chat?"

"Why don't you sleep now? We can talk a bit later on when you're feeling a bit more with it."

"Please, Sarah?"

"You're in no fit state to have a chat, love. Look at you. You can hardly keep your eyes open. Have a rest, I'll ring my work and explain what happened. When you wake up it should be about time to let you have some more painkillers. Then we can talk for as long as you can manage."

"No - I need to say this now."

"erm... sure, okay." Looking slightly perplexed at my insistence, she perched next to me, on the edge of the sofa.

"I can't talk like this. Can you help me to sit up?"

"What? Don't be silly. You shouldn't be straining yourself by sitting upright. That's one of the things the doctor said, remember. You should lie on your right side as much as possible, keep the pressure off the left side."

"Yeah, he said quite a lot. Please, just for a few minutes?"

With a sigh, Sarah rearranged the cushions and pillows she'd piled around me and, using them as extra leverage, hauled me into a more-or-less upright position.

"It's a good job you're only small and light," she joked as she sat beside me, ready to act as a leaning-post if I should need her. "Now, what's all this about?"

"I know I don't usually say this often enough after a seizure, but I really love you, and I'm really grateful for the way you've helped me today. But I want to be completely honest with you."

"okay..."

"Just now. I heard everything you said when you were in the kitchen with Dr West. Well, most of it. But I got the gist."

Sarah looked both shocked and devastated at the same time. Taking hold of my hand she whispered "Oh god, Jeff. I never thought you'd hear that. I thought you were fast asleep. Nothing ever happened, I promise."

"I believe you. I heard the way you spoke to him in there. As well as your comments about how much you love me. But I need to know what he's tried, what he's said before."

Sarah sat with her head down. It took a few minutes before she answered.

"He's always been a bit of a flirt. I just took it with a pinch of salt, laughed along. But I saw him once in town passing Carl's Coffee Shop and he asked if I fancied a drink."

"Go on," I said, trying to ignore the pain in my left leg.

"We were chatting over coffees - just general stuff, y'know. But then he started bragging about how much money he earned a year and said I'd have a much more exciting time if I dumped you and went out with him. I told him to sod off and left. He came running after me, apologising. Said he knew he was wrong to suggest it, but he'd kick himself if he never asked. He tried once more, in his surgery, that time you had to nip out to the loo to give him a fresh urine sample. He asked if I'd reconsider, now that your seizures were getting more frequent. Tried the same reasoning that he did in the kitchen today. Suggested that I wouldn't have much of a life if I was constantly caring for you. That's why we had to leave so quickly, remember?"

"Yeah...You said you thought you'd left the gas on?"

"I just had to get away from there before I smacked him."

"And that's the last time?"

"Almost. He sent me a really apologetic letter the next day. Promised it'd never happen again. And he's been okay since then."

"Until today..."

"Yeah. I'm sorry love."

"Don't be sorry. It's Dr West that should be sorry. And believe me - he WILL be."

Sarah studied my face, looking for signs that I was joking. I wasn't. 

"You're not going to do anything silly, are you?"

"Look at the state of me. Of course not. I can hardly move. But we ARE going to report him. And I think we should call the local paper, give them some headlines."

"Don't be daft, Jeff. What can we actually say? That he flirted with me and asked me out? That may be frowned upon by the medical bigwigs, but it's not illegal. He didn't try anything physical with me. "

"We'll see..."

"Look, you're obviously getting tired. Just lie back down and get some decent rest. You're recovery's more important than Dr West. Let's just get you healed up first."

"Okay. That sounds good. There was something else I needed to ask you, something really important. But for the moment I just can't..."

"Don't worry. It'll come back to you. I'm surprised you can remember your own name, sometimes, to be honest."

A few hours later I lay somewhere in that no-man's land between awake and asleep. I'd been jarred from my sleep by something. Something important. But what? At first, I thought it was the pain in my lower back from where I'd been laid in such an uncomfortable position. But then I realised that, thanks to the painkillers I'd taken earlier, it was actually only a dull ache at the moment. Certainly not enough to wake me.

Suddenly it came flooding back to me. It was like somebody had suddenly pressed a button in my head and allowed me access to that particular memory. 

"Tharah," I mumbled The swelling on the left side of my face had increased and had affected my cheek and upper lip. And my tongue, too. "Tharah!"

As she switched off the tv and came over to me, she was giggling. Even now, with all these worries I had, it was good to see her face light up like that.

"What? 'Tharah? Who's this 'Tharah' woman you're calling for? Have you been seeing somebody else behind my back?"

"Thtop it. Lithen. Thith ith important."

"Oh, it ith, ith it?" Sarah mocked.

Wincing in pain as I tried to speak only from the right side of my mouth, I managed "Get. Pen. Paper."

Through the tears of laughter, she finally noticed just how serious I was, and headed to the drawer where we kept all the stationery stuff.

"...and thum painkillerth too."

I saw her trying to hide the laughter as she turned and asked "Athpirin or parathetamol?"

"Thod off."

While she was off getting those few things, I considered the seriousness of my concerns. But thinking hard made my head spin. I really could do with some more sleep, but I had to get this sorted.

Sarah returned from the kitchen, carrying a tray with the requested items. She'd also brought a bottle of water and some biscuits.

"We havin' a tea party or thumthing?" I tried to joke.

"Never mind that. Here's something for the pain. And let's see if you can drink from the bottle. I'm always worried about leaving glasses of water nearby." 

"Jutht thit down."

She'd obviously spent her time in the kitchen regaining her composure, and my speech only brought about the faint glimmer of a smile. 

"Not until you've had this. I love you, but I'm not forcing tablets down your throat like a sick puppy. And maybe if you can manage that you can manage a biscuit? You've not eaten for hours."

The pain was getting worse, but after a lot of shuffling about and mumbled swearing from me, we managed to get me into a half-sitting, half-slouched position. I waved Sarah off as she tried to help.

"No. More. Thith'll do. Too painf...pain... hurtth."

**Sarah removed one of the tablets from its foil wrapper and placed it in my right hand. As I opened my mouth, a sudden bolt of pain shot from my swollen cheek, around my head and down to my shoulder. Gasping in pain I immediately snapped my mouth closed again, which only resulted in a further agonising frenzy.

Sarah wiped away the sudden downpour of tears, picked up the fallen tablet, and got a fresh one from the wrapper.

After a pause to catch my breath, I opened the right side of my mouth very slightly, just enough to slip the tablet in. That was the relatively easy part though. Trying to swallow was impossible. I motioned for the bottle of water, and Sarah placed it to my lips. Luckily it was one of those sports-type bottles, with the sealable caps. I tried drinking from it in the traditional manner, but I just dribbled it all down my chin like a big baby.**

-----continue------

I pointed to the pen and sheets of paper she'd brought. 

On the first attempt, the pen went straight through the paper as soon as I began to write. We tried resting the paper on the upturned tray laid on my knees and writing like that, but because I was semi-slouched the angle wasn't right and I couldn't see what I was writing. So we ended up with Sarah crouched on the floor at the side of me, reaching across to hold the tray up in front of me. Much better description needed. Even I struggle to follow this. It wasn't perfect, by any means, but I wasn't writing a novel. It'd do for the few questions I had to ask her.

Luckily I could still use my right hand fairly well, so my handwriting was still just about legible, even using the unsteady paper-tray-girlfriend contraption. Within a couple of minutes I passed Sarah the sheet of paper, on which I'd scrawled:

When exactly did doc first ask u out

"Another theet" I said, motioning to the pad of paper.

Sarah tore off another sheet absently while she read my first question. During this, she'd allowed the tray to slide down to the floor. I pulled her hand, pretending to write in the air.

"It must've been around September of last year. Why?"

By this time every muscle in my body was crying out for rest, but I forced myself to continue.

"No 'around'. Need dateth if pothible"

"erm...well I've still got last year's diary somewhere. That might have the dates of my appointments. But why's it so important?"

I pulled on her arm again, and she placed the tray in front of me once more so that I was able to write on the second sheet.

When did doc lower my meds? After u said no?

As she read this one I pointed in the rough direction of my seizure diary, lying open on the coffee table where Sarah had filled in today's events. In it, we also recorded every scan taken, every medication change or increase and any possible external cause for each seizure (sleep deprivation, flashing lights, etc)

Sarah looked up at me, then back to the scribbled questions. "You mean...?"

This was already mentioned/suggested at during the conversation between Sarah and Dr West in the kitchen, (“If you had any morals…”) so why is she so surprised at the idea?

I took the second sheet off her, flipped it over, and wrote on the reverse

"Dunno. But needs looking in to. Am too tired to think."

With that, I laid back down, closed my eyes and, trying to ignore the pain, went to sleep.

Over the next three or four months I slowly recovered, with the help of Sarah.

The bruises had disappeared within a week. The cuts healed. But the main problems were with my legs and back.

I was in constant, never-ending pain in my back. Doc West had given me a prescription for super-strength painkillers. But I wasn't keen to take anything he prescribed. 

We'd taken legal advice Although we could prove the exact date of Sarah's first rebuttal of Dr West's advances, and the exact date that my medication was reduced - resulting in more seizures - there was no way to prove the doctor's intention. 

For months I could hardly stand unaided. When I did have to stand, for instance for visits to the bathroom, I needed Sarah's help

-----continue------

::::::::::::::::

I needed to find a way to get rid of Dr West as soon as possible. 

The one big hurdle was the fact that I could hardly stand up unassisted, let alone leave the house.

What I really needed was a way to deal with him while I was still at home in bed. Thank god for the internet.